Abby Miller

Happy Grow a Spine Day! It’ll catch on…eventually.

In Uncategorized on February 14, 2012 at 10:02 am

I want to begin by officially going on record that saying Love is GRAND people!  But…

I firmly believe that Valentine’s Day is MOST effective in bringing out underlying relationship insecurities.  All year round I see couples so happy…secure…content.  And then along comes VD (no pun intended) and with it, the unrealistic notion that evidence of love and devotion can only be found in some grandiose display littered with sappy sweet confection and verbose professions of perfection.  The optimist in me truly does believe that most couples spend the entire year showing their love, affection and appreciation for one another in the everyday things they do or say.  Those that don’t probably wouldn’t find the key to marital bliss on a commercialized day like Valentine’s Day anyway.

I propose we create a new spin for this day.  But first, a little history lesson: 

In ancient Rome, February was the official beginning of spring and was considered a time for purification. Houses were ritually cleansed by sweeping them out and then sprinkling salt and a type of wheat throughout their interiors.  It was a purging of sorts…a time to start fresh by removing the staleness and toxins which existed within the home.  And need not I remind you that Saint Valentine (the Patron saint of sappy songs, love coupons and chick flicks) is arguably any one of THREE different historical figures…ALL of whom were of course named Valentine, and ALL of whom met their untimely DEATHS in martyrdom.  Let’s face it, do empty calories and plush woodland creatures that serenade you with antiquated love songs, really represent how we feel?  We should use this time for a more proactive approach to making or breaking relationships.

And so I present to you my proposal for the official change of holiday to “Grow a Spine Day”.

What is it, you ask?  The Naked Truth.  It’s the revolution of sharing what drives one crazy about their significant other.  And I don’t mean crazy in love.  I’m talking certifiably, undeniably, institutionally, “I will cut you” crazy.  It should be a day when all venting and nagging can occur with absolutely no repercussion whatsoever.  Rather than thinking less of yourself and your own inadequacies, you point out the faults of the other person so you can feel better.  It’s sort of my version of an “awareness” day.  As Frank Costanza would call it, the “airing of grievances.”  Eye-opening, I know.

And with a new holiday comes the new novelty items to purchase.  I know, I know…it kind of conflicts with my whole anti-commercialism rant earlier in this post.  But where would all the lost souls who don’t have Pinterest accounts get their nifty ideas if it weren’t for the holiday isle at the local drug store?  Plus…we should be working to help improve our economy.  Bonus!

Items available for purchase would include:

-Candy hearts (because nothing says “I don’t like you ALL the time” more than a bag full rock-hard, chalky pills made of synthetic fuel and toxic pink dye number 45).  But the little sayings would take on a more purposeful tone with words and phrases like: “I will cut you”, “You have stank breath”, “Sasquatch legs”, and “Yo momma is a psycho”.

-Bleeding hearts – all filled candies will be replaced with those that are shaped like real hearts and ooze cherry glaze

-Customizable piñatas and dart boards (the whole family can get in on this one). It would promote togetherness and is therefore a gift that keeps on giving.  You’re welcome.

-Inflatable Over-Sized Boxing Gloves – they could have cute sayings printed on each hand like “One for the money” and “Two for the show”.

It’s time for change!  It’s time to Replace Valentine’s Day!  No More Asinine Day! Support Grow a Spine Day!!!

P.S. I want first dibs on being the official card slogan writer for this new UN-valentine’s day.  How much fun would that be?


In Uncategorized on February 2, 2012 at 10:33 am

I have this friend, Joe.  To say he is obsessively competitive would be the understatement of the year.  I am exactly the opposite when it comes to games and sports.  I really just like the interaction of these types of things… losing to me is never a big deal.  We have a regular battle of Words with Friends going, and he takes pride in his long term winning streak against me.

phone rings

Me: yes?

Joe Competitive:  Okay, I just want to give you some pointers and show you where you went wrong on that last move.  It’s really all about strategy.  You want to keep your board tight and not open up too many high scoring spaces for the opponent… blah blah blah

Me:  Why can’t you just play and ENJOY the game instead of strategizing, manipulating your opponent, reading their every move, and weighing options to maximize scoring potential?  You need to learn how to just RELAX and have fun!

Joe Competitive:  That’s what MAKES it fun!

I knew there was really no way of winning this argument either.  So instead, I chose to EMBRACE his competitive nature, but add in a little bit of MY kind of fun.  So I sent him this…


I just like to look at it!

A few minutes of silence were broken by the following response…

ImageHe actually called me after sending the response.  He seriously wanted to know when exactly I had won a match against him.  I was waiting a whole minute before responding to tell him it was that time a few days ago he forfeited a game so we wouldn’t have more than one going at the same time.  It was EATING HIM ALIVE.  He admitted on the phone that his initial thought was that I had photo shopped the score board, because there was no way I had ever beat him.

On another note…notice that EIGHT HOURS LATER he was still thinking about it when he sent me a text to point out that another of my friends had beat me at Words.  I couldn’t believe it was still on his mind.

Just call me the “Queen of strategic manipulation”.  I can get inside your head and throw the WHOLE game off y’all!


The Lord Has Blessed Me With a Know-It-All Who Thinks He’s Funny

In Uncategorized on January 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

My son Steele has difficulty with procrastination, especially when it comes to classwork, school projects and homework.  Over the last three grading periods, his grades in two classes have been well below acceptable due to zeros from incomplete work.  My child is an “A” student, so I find this behavior unacceptable.

That being said, I regularly use prayer and scripture in my parenting in order to get the results that simple yelling and screaming and threats punishment will not yield.  Historically this strategy has been 100% successful, but there are those occassions that he seems resistant to my efforts.  Case in point…

Do you see how he tries to redirect my attention to our unruly puppy, Benny “The Jet”?  Smoothe move smarty pants, that response just earned you another 30 minute lecture when you get home.